If you are a cyclist, do you remember the first time you told someone – whether a mate, work or family member - about cycling to work?
I bet you at least one response was: “I had
this cyclist…” as if you were responsible for the actions of every other
cyclist on the road. It was very weird the first time that happened to me. What
has it got to do with me? I first started off getting defensive but nowadays I
start replying: “Oh you’re a driver. I once had a driver hit my elbow…I once had
a driver…” you get the idea.
So, in that spirit, I present a not-so-serious guide to the driving species.
The
school mum
The school mum is tired, stressed out and
thinking about everything except what is in front of her. She doesn’t mean to
pull out and force you to slam the brakes on or swerve around her – she simply
has her mind on other things. Little Ciabatta, who cannot walk or cycle to school cos it’s dangerous and it
might be cold/wet/snow/too bright/too hot, will be safe in the spankingly new 4x4. Quite often there is a
crossover with the ‘don’t-know-own-car’ driver below.
The
20-something female driver.
She’s a go-ahead girl. Literally. That’s
all she’s focused on. Straight ahead at a steady as she goes 40mph no matter
what. If you are lucky, you may stray into her peripheral vision but the only
way to get on her register is to take up a strong primary so she may, and note
I say may, notice you.
The
20-something male driver
Don’t worry about making life-saver looks
for him. You will hear him from about a mile away through the revving in a
wrong-gear. This over-revving will continue as he follows you through a town.
It doesn’t matter that it’s a 20mph-zone, he and his Vauxhall or Citroen will
rev up in impatience. He will overtake you at the nearest hint of a gap and if
you are lucky, he may even have a friend to lean out of the window to shout or
throw something at you.
The
White Van Man (WVM)
These are the KING OF THE BEASTS, HEAR ME
ROAR. These tuck in behind you, revving engines, hooting horns, flashing
lights, shouting abuse at you.
Then, just as you are getting to a pinch-point
(any point in the road where the road narrows for example a traffic island or
parked cars), it is the signal for the KING OF THE BEASTS to overtake you,
leaving you no choice but to take evasive action. Now the usual advice is to
take a strong primary but, and I have seen this, the KING OF THE BEASTS will
actually go to the other side of the road in the desperation to get ahead of
you.
The
BMW/Audi man
Now there used to be a simple, undisputed rule
– stay out of the way of the BMW man. These drivers thought themselves as the
Kings of the road. No rules applied to them, they had the divine right to the
road. Shove you into the pavement, No problem. Red lights? Not necessary. Speed
limits? Due care and attention? Road sharing? Space? Not their problem. In their
important roles as middle-management, their company car was the be-all-and-end-all.
Make way for the King of the road. The King was happy to cut into your path
when overtaking and will always overtake in an unnecessary and dangerous manner
just…
to…
join…
a…
queue…
at…
the...
lights…
ahead.
But recently, there seems to be coup de rue
going on as Audi drivers for some reason have taken on the mantle of King of
the road. Now, BMW-man still exists but has been joined by his Swedish upstart.
Hybrid/Prius
man
Now, there is another type of King of the
road – the one with the smug, green credentials. Like the above, rules of the
road are apparently voluntary to these hybrid drivers – after all they are
saving the planet! It doesn’t matter all those air miles, those strip mining
technics and poisonous metals used to build the car. It doesn’t matter that the
energy used still has to be generated somehow…they are saving the planet.
So not only do they drive with the scantest
of consideration for other road users, they get to be smug about it and be
silent when deadly.
Don’t
know their own car
These can actually be the most frustrating
of all. There you are making good time and distance, then, bang. You have to
stop. Why? There is a car siting at a gap that is too afraid to more. That
driver is singularly unaware of the width of their car and will not move until
there is a gap the size of the Titanic to go through.
It may seem odd to criticise but there is
such a thing as being too cautious and inconveniencing other road users. These
drivers will also stick behind milk floats and slow bicycle riders blithely
unaware of the queues growing behind them.
And to think I haven't even got onto couriers and the like...
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